I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
