I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
