I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
