I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
