closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
