omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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