You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
