I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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