My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
