new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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