I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Randomize
