Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
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i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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