The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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