Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
