i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
