Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
