i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
