Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
