pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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