Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
