was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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