The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
