Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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