Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
