nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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