normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
