Your mouth is God's brothel.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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