ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
