Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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