You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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