I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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