i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
