dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
