K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
