I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
