Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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