Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
