then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
