Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
