if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
