jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
now i know why i became what i already was.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
