i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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