and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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