You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
