it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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