Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
