Define "chronic" masturbator.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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