good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
