So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
