I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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