The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
