Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
