Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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