We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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